Temper Tantrums at Bedtime and the Reward Chart Secret Weapon

How is that my once sweet, lovable infant who went to bed so easily when I put him down and walked away has morphed into this tantrumming toddler, screaming at the top of his lungs who bangs the walls, shut doors in my face, then trashes his room by dumping all the books from his bookshelf on the floor? I’m mortified and horrified to think what he’ll be like as a teenager. What on god’s earth did I do to this poor child to have a 2 hour tantrum before bed that has him pushing me with two hands and screaming these words, “Go Away!” So I walk away. Then it’s “Come Back You!” “Lie Down You!” “Right there, you can see, he has no idea what it is he wants, I think he’s just over tired and just looking to control me.

Then, I proceed to scream at my husband from the top of the stairs during the whole incident that he better be “googling” how the hell to help this kid while I’m up there taking my nighttime beating physically and emotionally after working all day when I have very little left to give.

There are any number of things that may or may not have happened for us to be the recipients of Gavin’s new found ways of love these days. For sure the holidays definitely got us off our bedtime schedule out late at parties. He’s had multiple sinus infections, respiratory infections and a bout of diarrhea. A few days after Christmas, we transitioned him to a full size bed because he was climbing out of his crib like a circus act. And well, there’s the he’s just a toddler excuse. This is what toddlers do, this wonderful, I guess, thankfully normal stage of development where they are trying to become autonomous. Oh, one more. Since all his teeth are in, he’s definitely got to be growing.

So now that we’ve gotten through the excuses– I will say, parents, it’s so much easier and calmer to help someone problem solve this from the clinician side, being stuck in the trenches yourself does not allow for a lot of mental clarity, that I will say. So I called my best friend and toddler expert, another OT who works with this age group and bounced some ideas off of her to get back on track. Phone a friend people, you are not the only going through this, I promise.

Here’s the plan and though it’s not perfect, the tantrums are not 2 hours long anymore and it’s getting definitely easier. This routine may not work specifically for your child or family but it might spark an idea that will. Whatever the case, make sure to read about my reward chart secret weapon, that is the take home piece of this story.

– We needed to get back to a very structured bedtime schedule. I’ve started the bedtime routine at 6 p.m. instead of 7 p.m. to allow for more time and am trying to focus solely on him. I leave my iPhone downstairs so there are no temptations to “tweet, pin, or update my facebook status.”

– Being in winter we haven’t been doing regular baths to save time and my energy, but it’s definitely a routine with warm water and calming capabilities so we’re back to short, nightly baths.

-For safety purposes, we gated the door of his room with a First Years gate that he can not climb over. So if he’s mad I can come back and check on him without needing to go into the room.

-After bath we put on his diaper, he has a choice of his pajamas (only 2), and I’ve started a lotion routine. It helps keep his dry skin at bay and he seems to enjoy the massage effect.

-We actually go back down stairs after he’s in his pajamas, which may not be the best choice, but we bring his blanket and pacifier with us. Before, if we tried to stay in his room to do the entire bedtime routine he knew it was coming and the  behaviors escalated. I wanted to keep time in the room to a minimum, so he knows it’s bedtime and not playtime.

-Then here comes my secret weapon, the I Can Get Ready for School Chart (pictured above), which is a reward chart from Kenson Parenting Solutions. This company makes a whole host of customizable charts to help kids be rewarded with stars for their good behavior from daily routine charts, to getting ready for school charts, to potty training charts. They have different pictures that can be attached to the chart and there is a magnetic back to be placed on a refrigerator or metal door. It costs $9.95, much less than a sleep specialist.

-I pulled out several of the velcro squares. Clean Your Toys, Brush Your Hair and Teeth, 3 Blank Ones (1 for each book we read) and the Go to Bed/Stay in Bed square.

-We clean up his toys, then he removes the square and places it on the opposite side of the chart to indicate it’s finished. We brush his teeth and do the same.

-We dim the lights and sit on the couch together with his blanket. The 3 blank squares signify the 3 books we read. He has a special bag of library books and choses 1 book at a time. After each book is finished we move over the square. When we reach the time to Go to Bed square he moves it over and  we head upstairs.

-Once in his bed, I read one final story. His absolute favorite which is the same book every night, How Do Dinosaurs Say Goodnight by Jane Yolen. I leave only the hallway lights on when we read together, at this point I know it by heart, and he holds his special Lighting McQueen flashlight.

– He lies down on the pillow and I give him his pacifier and blanket. For some reason he started requesting months ago that I pat his bum, which I do, usually for a count of 10, then I kiss him goodnight, leave the room and shut the gate.

– I have joined the rank of every good parent and for successful diaper/dressing changes, and attempts at peeing on the potty, he gets an M&M as a positive reward.

Last night it took him almost 45 minutes to settle down and fall asleep but it was without any major tantrum incidents. I could hear him talking and he called for me a few times, but it was much better than previous nights. He is very rules oriented and structured, so the visual chart has been the best choice for us at this point.  This is the part of parenthood that is so hard, especially when you are tired and spent at the end of the day. Being consistent is the hardest thing to do, but a visual chart may help keep you both focused when you are both to frustrated for words. What ever you do, don’t weather the storm alone, because you definitely aren’t alone.

Kenson Parenting Solutions has provided these reward charts free to facilitate this review. The opinions above are my own with a little help from my best friend Debbie Beaulieu, a magnificent OT in Connecticut.